The Witch’s Familiar

Doctor Who, Series 9 Episode 2 of 12

You remember these chaps, don’t you? Where are they now?

Last week we left our hero with everyone he cares about, and at least one person he doesn’t, dead. Only, not really. Or at least that’s what we’re predicting. Will he kill the boy Davros? Will those really ugly Daleks from Season 5 make an appearance? You know, the ones no one speaks about? Will Clara be back? Well, until Christmas she will be. How about the guitar? It’s a Yamaha SG Samurai you know. Quite fancy one now I’ve seen it… sorry, back to Dr Who.

19.45

And we’re off…! Can the Doctor kill boy Davros? We’re not going to find out because not-dead Missy is telling a tale to upside-down and not-dead Clara. Missy reversed the polarity… or some such nonsense. Missy and Clara (after much self-congratulatory bibble-babble of the kind this program is famous for) set off towards the Dalek city. Meanwhile… Davros  and the Doctor are having a face off. Davros alerts the Daleks to find the Doctor, cue many flying Daleks. Sadly, it turns out the Doctor has pulled Davros in half, and is zooming around in his chair.

 19.55

The Doctor has a cup of tea, tells us to accept it because he’s the Doctor. Missy has pushed Clara down a hole. They’re angry at each other. The hole is a Dalek sewer, except it;s not for Dalek poop, its for dead Daleks who the walls are made of (or something).

The Doctor is shouting now. Choral music is playing so you know it’s serious. He’s pointing a laser at the Daleks and getting a little self-righteous.

Surprise, Doctor! The chair is full of snakes! Ok, it’s Grillface from last episode.

He of the char-grilled face and the snakes

Missy has handcuffed Clara to a security thingy. A Dalek has come to sort it out, and Missy is going to kill it with a brooch. She puts holes in it and does a southern American accent. This is what kills the Dalek. That, and the Dalek poop.

20.00

Flashback to kiddie Davros. The Doctor still isn’t helping him. The Doctor wakes up. A pretty good joke by Davros about how hard it was to find another chair on Skaro. Doctor, we have business etc.

Missy evicts the Dalek from its suit, tells Clara to get in. Although full of deceased Dalek goo earlier it is now pristine inside. Not certain how Missy expects Clara to fit.

Doctor calls Davros a smelly old uncle. The miscellaneous tubes in Davros’ office feed Davros with the Dalek lifeforce somehow. They’re not connected to anything, so that’s odd. Davros is tempting the Doctor into killing all the Daleks by yankin’ their tubes. This will spawn fanfic.

20.05

I’m just a sad old Davros

The Doctor is acting humble now, saying he’s an old man who tells stories in a box(?). He also says he came to see Davros because Davros is sick and asked him to. Which is odd, because about ten minutes ago he yanked Davros in half and did a lot of shouting.

Turns out the Dalek suit is pretty roomy and seats a human. It’s also controlled by the mind, and filters various words Clara tries to say into Dalek-speak (mostly Exterminate). Maybe the Daleks were just saying ‘I love you’ all along and are victims of their naughty pepperpot suits?

Davros comes over all Emperor Palpatine, and psychoanalyses the Doctor. The Doctor is being an apathetic badass. Missy is being a sexy badass. Yes. Can’t we have The Adventures of Missy?

20.10

Remember the ‘Special Weapons’ Dalek. No? He’s here…

Doctor says Gallifrey is back. Davros (uncharacteristically) congratulates him and is happy for him. This causes the Doctor angst. Davros asks to look on the Doctor with his own two eyes, not his blinky blue eye. Sad music is playing. Davros is getting all weepy and mumbling a lot. ‘We’re not so different, you and I’ seems to be the subtext. Davros wants the Doctor to tell him whether he did the right thing or not. Davros cracks another good joke about the Doctor’s poor bedside manner. Everyone laughs. Ideally at this point it would freeze-frame 80s style and the credits would roll.

20.15 

Davros wants to see the sun one last time before he dies. I hope this cues a montage of the Doctor and Davros having a wonderful time together around the world. Missy is prancing around some Daleks, who are shouting Exterminate! She wants to give Clara to Davros. Is it a heel turn? Would it be a surprise if it was?

The Doctor is trying to organise the Dalek life-tubes so Davros can see the sun one last time. Can I just add that as a plot point ‘I want to see the sun one last time’ is astonishingly lame. The life-tubes are basically hoses, I’m still not sure how they’re supposed to work. Davros wishes he could’ve been on the same side with the Doctor, just once. Doctor says they are. Davros is sad and can’t open his eyes. Doctor thinks ‘Hey, I’ll give him some regeneration juice’. Glowy hand ensues. This is a mistake… or is it?

20.20

This good-looking devil is about to look considerably worse

Yes, it is a mistake, just like the snakey chair. Davros is sucking all the juice out of the Doctor, which makes all the hoses glow. The Daleks are regenerating too. Oh no! What exactly are they regenerating into? Missy figures it all  out – apparently there’s a prophecy about half-Daleks, half-Time Lords. Of course there is. Is this what the Doctor was running from all along? Probably not, given that he turned up to Davro’s death birthday.

Davros’ supreme victory is at hand! Or not. Turns out the Doctor channeled regeneration energy into all of the Daleks, and won all along. The poopy dead sewer Daleks are regenerating too… Boy, are they mad.

20.25

Missy pokes Davros in the eye, which is funny. Clara is still inside a Dalek, but she can’t tell the Doctor it’s her! Missy is tricking the Doctor into thinking Dalek Clara is actually a Dalek who killed Clara. Will the Doctor kill Clara? Why is Missy bothering with this? Clara gets the Dalek to say ‘Mercy’ and the Doctor rumbles Missy’s evil plot. They don’t let any of these plot points build enough for there to be any actual tension. It’s just ‘A bad thing happened’ followed immediately by ‘No it didn’t, the Doctor Fixed it’. The Doctor is mad now. In the ‘a bit annoyed’ sense of ‘mad’.

20.30

The Tardis isn’t dead, it just turned into twinkly bits. Respectfully we informed you of this last week. But – oh no! – the Doctor doesn’t have his sonic screwdriver! Oh yes he does – it’s his sunglasses now. See what we mean about ‘plot points’ and ‘tension’? Yes. They escape, but, oh boy, Missy is in trouble. Not sufficient trouble to stop her appearing again, we suspect.

The question remains, though: How was the Dalek able to say ‘Mercy’? How did mercy get into the Dalek DNA?

Naturally it’s because of the Doctor, who goes back in time and saves kiddy Davros by shooting the handmines, and being sanctimonious. Mercy, yes, always mercy. The End, which is a mercy in itself.

NEXT WEEK:

Chipmunky ghosts in an underwater nuclear thingy! Breath is firmly bated.

And so, as evening television continues we slope off into the night. See you next week, Later Who-time (20.25) same Who-channel!